Mistletoe and whine: an open letter to Christmas carol singers

Dear Christmas carol singers,

Don’t try to scalp me for a few quid “for charity” on my own doorstep ever again: it’s a waste of your time and mine.

If you’re any good and can make it through a Oh Come All Ye Faithful  without mumbling the second verse, the chances are you’re from an organised local group of chorists. In this case, the best thing you can do is leave me with a flier about any gigs you’ve got going on over the festive season.  I will gladly part with £5 of my wonga for a concert, covering your costs and providing a bung for whatever charity you are supporting. This would a) make more money for the charity, b) expand your audience beyond your ever-narrowing regular demographic of elderly congregationalists, and c) avoid that awkward moment where I have to pretend I don’t have any money for the ten people exhibiting signs of frostbite on my doorstep. I may even sign up for some singing lessons offered by your group.

If you’re a bunch of hoodies belting out the chorus of We Wish You A Merry Christmas over and over again, then you have no chance of ever getting any cashmoney out of me. This is because I think you are taking the piss out of me. The better thing for you to do is come around with a wheelbarrow of grit/rocksalt (nicked from one of the abundant public grit bin) and to offer to grit the doorstep and nearby road for a quid. I will gladly pay you money for this service, and if you want to sing at the same time I will not object.

So, carol singers: get smarter! I hope to see you next year with fliers or a wheelbarrow of grit.




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